


Clarity

by theherocomplex



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Gen, Insanity, post-destroy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-02
Updated: 2013-09-02
Packaged: 2017-12-25 08:39:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/951027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theherocomplex/pseuds/theherocomplex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are always two deaths, the real one and the one people know about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clarity

The whole building is filled with ghosts. 

The woman in the tower is the worst. 

*** 

Every six months, Liara forces the ones who survived to go see the woman in the tower. This is the seventeenth time, and it’s Kaidan’s turn to talk Garrus into going. 

“I don’t like it either, but we owe her that much.” On the screen, Kaidan runs his hand through what’s left of his hair. It’s more grey than black, but he insists on the same style, even though he looks twenty years older than the man who first started to wear it. “I know it’s hardest for you. We all do. You two were --” 

“I don’t know how many times I have to keep saying this,” says Garrus. “That woman is not Shepard.” 

“The doctors said --” 

“The doctors,” says Garrus, on a rush of bitterness he hasn’t felt in years. “They _said_ she would regain consciousness in a matter of weeks. They _said_ her memory _might_ be damaged. They _said_ , with the right combination of drugs and therapy, she would be herself again.” He stares at Kaidan until Kaidan looks away. “Do you remember what happened when she woke up?” 

Kaidan shudders. 

“Do you?” 

“I do!” shouts Kaidan. “We were all there, Garrus. I was the one who had to drag James out of the room, remember?” 

Neither of them talk about how the woman took one look at Garrus and started to scream. 

It amazes Garrus their hearts can still be broken, after so much time has passed. In the end, he agrees to go. He always will, because the woman in the tower loved him once, and he can’t stop loving her no matter how hard he tries. 

*** 

Liara stares at her hands like she’s trying to keep herself from throwing a punch. 

“What do you mean? We’ve never had a problem before.” 

The attendant sighs behind her faceplate. “She’s been disturbed lately. Her dreams are getting worse. We’ve had to restrain her more than once in the past week alone.” 

Kaidan claps James on the back, both of them ashy-pale. Javik looks like he’s about to be ill. 

“You understand, her comfort is our first priority. Most of her dreams revolve around --” The attendant makes a graceful gesture toward Garrus that implies a great deal, without saying anything at all. “We think it would be detrimental to her recovery.” 

Garrus starts to laugh. He can’t help himself. No one looks at him. No one has looked at him since the attendant said he couldn’t go in. 

Somewhere, years ago and lost to time, Shepard smiles at him, the glint in her eyes a secret joy meant just for him. 

His laughter doesn’t fade until the doors to the elevator slide shut and he’s left alone in the lobby. 

*** 

“No way,” says Kaidan, and hangs up on Garrus. 

Liara’s reaction to the news is subdued, but vicious in its own way. 

“I’m sure it will be a lovely ceremony, but I have no time, absolutely no time. My congratulations.” 

Javik and James don’t bother to reply to the invitation. 

Garrus hears the unspoken accusation: how could he move on? From _Shepard_?

The answer is simple. Given the choice, he took the razor’s edge over the slow knife. The woman in the tower is not Shepard, and he needs to keep living.

It’s a small wedding in the end. Solana is there, but only because someone needs to stand beside Garrus when he takes his vows. 

*** 

Garrus waits ten more years, until he’s the last one left, to go back. His wife doesn't offer to come.

This time, no one tries to stop him. The woman in the tower hasn’t dreamed of him in years. The elevator ride is quick. 

Even with her head shaved and each bone in her spine visible under the skin, she looks no more than forty. Her freckles are gone. She’s bitten her fingertips bloody. 

She doesn’t look at him. Garrus watches her until she falls asleep, twitching and crying like a small animal, lost and far from cover. 

***

The historians will never say this, but the old author was right. _There are always two deaths, the real one and the one people know about._

The woman in the tower would agree, if she could remember how to speak.

**Author's Note:**

> "There are always two deaths, the real one and the one people know about" is a quote from _Wide Sargasso Sea_ by Jean Rhys, which is as scorched-earth a book as I've ever read.


End file.
